Have been interesting to say the least. It's been a rough weekend. I had a little bit of a mental break down Sunday night, and had another one today. But whatevs. It's in the past, right?
There are a few moments this week that have made me smile:
1) The Secret Life of Bees. Bee-utiful movie. I laughed, I cried, it was just amazing. I was not a fan of Dakota Fanning until I saw that movie.
2) Chris Brown's new CD, 'Graffiti.' Yes, I know he beat Rhianna up, and I don't support that. But I justify it because I didn't pay for his new CD. I LOVE Frostwire :)
3) I realized that douche bags will always be DOUCHE BAGS! I don't know why I give people second chances, they just screw me over like they did the first time. But honestly, I'm not sad, or angry or anything about the whole situation. I'm happy that one more stress is out of my life. I don't need a boy to be happy. SO now he is free to do whatever it is he wants to do, like go to parties instead of hanging out with me. But hey, at least now he doesn't have to lie to me about it, because I'm done with him. Forever.
4) A wonderful little website called picnik.com. It is this website where you can upload your pictures and edit them all cute. Of course, the cutest things are reserved for "Premium Members" which is $25 a year. But that's not bad considering that something like Photoshop is like $150. But heres a picture I edited on this website. I took it from the top of the Empire State Building when I visited New York last May with Business Academy. I miss them.
"Home is where the heart is meant to be" is from a beautiful Scott Alan song called 'Home' from his album 'Dreaming Wide Awake.'
I've decided to rid my life of all the evils that inhabit it. So, here is another picture I did on that fancy little website I discovered today :)
Of being angry. But people always seem to piss me off. I was actually over being angry until you had to come out of nowhere and fuck it all up. There is a reason I kicked you out of my life so please stay there. I know you used me for everything. You know you fucked with my head. You know you left me tired, confused, angry, and with a million walls up. And you love every moment of it. Fuck you. Yes, Mommy and Daddy pay for my education, but at least I'm getting an education you fat, useless, waste of space. I can honestly say that I have never hated anyone until you. I hate you. I hope you burn in hell.
I'm so angry with you. Everything you ever said to me was a lie. Everything. And you know what? That's not even why I'm angry. I'm more sad over the fact that you lied to me. I'm angry at you because you are going back to what's easy. I'm angry at you for not taking a chance. I took a chance on you. I took a chance with my parents. I took a chance with everyone around me. And you gave up. I don't know if you got scared, or if I'm to much of a hassle, or whatever your reasoning was. But I'm just frustrated that I took down walls, listened to criticism, and stood up for you, and you still walked away. But whatever. Obviously you still think you can learn something from your past. And you can, the lesson here is "history repeats itself." Have fun learning that lesson, it's a great one. And I would say "Have fun finding yourself!" but we all know thats not what your intentions are now.
All of my friends are saying "Don't worry Becca, you'll find someone better." You were supposed to be the better one. You promised me you would be the better one. But look where we ended up? You made promises you couldn't keep. And that's what is killing me. I never expected any of those promises, you did that all on your own. But you couldn't do it.
And now I can't find the strength I need.
It's hard to see the fear inside As I walk away from you And distance overcomes the miles As slowly I pull through And I cannot reach the world today 'cause I'm suffering from you And the more I think, the more I cry As I walk away from you
I'm two steps away From loneliness I'm awake From the mess we made I'm alive And I'm feeling incomplete
I don't understand my life Or the version that chose you And the warring hearts and winter came Now there's nothing left to do And I cannot reach the world today 'cause I'm suffering from two And the more I think, the more we die As I walk away from you
I'm two steps away I'm two steps away I'm two steps away I'm two steps away
Two steps away Two steps away From loneliness I'm awake From the mess we made I'm alive
I am so angry at him for promising not to hurt me, and hurting me anyway. I am so frustrated at myself for being an idiot and believe he wouldn't hurt me and taking down my walls when he asked me to. And I am so sad that I am back where I was a few months ago. Hurt, and broken, and angry. I spent a long time being angry at someone who is a douche bag that will never amount to anything. I'm not about to make that mistake again. But, I mean, I did think that I wouldn't make the mistake of allowing myself to get hurt again, clearly that didn't work out. I had a good thing going, maybe we weren't on the same page. And maybe I fucked it all up by pushing for commitment from him. Truth is, I wanted the commitment from him because I needed to know that he wanted me. I felt threatened by her. And now I know I had reason to think that way. No matter how much he says it isn't the reason, I know it is. Whatever. I'm done crying about it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done thinking about it. I'm on to bigger and better things.
Speaking of bigger and better things. I've finally decided to declare a major. Liberal Studies. That way I can be an elementary school teacher. And I think I'm going to minor in dance. That is, if I get in. Dance majors and minors have to audition at my school, I hope I make it. But if I minor in dance, then I can teach dance at either a school or a studio. So hopefully I made the right decision. In all aspects of my life.
Well that's my rant for today.
"At night I dream about you and hope I don't wake up.
Because waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup."
Thursday, October 15, 2009
What's the perfect balance between yelling too much, and not yelling enough,
So that people don't walk over you?
Is it a crime just to want to be nice?
To avoid confrontation?
Show everyone a little respect?
Time after time,
I find that I'm struggling to tell you what's burning inside.
A glimmer of hope, that you'll finally see.
Yet I remain quiet.
Look at my face, don't you dare turn away.
Because I'm loosing my patience.
Show me now you're the man that I want to be with for the rest of my life.
I have so much love to give you, just open up your eyes and you'll see.
Time after time,
I find that I'm struggling to tell you what's burning inside.
A glimmer of hope that you'll finally see.
Yet I remain quiet.
I can't remain quiet anymore.
No I was not built to idly stand here
Letting you make my decisions based upon your point of view.
You never allowed me my own freedom,
Well here me now.
Show me now you're the man that I want to be with for the rest of my life.
I have so much love to give you
Just open up your eyes and you'll see.
Time after time,
I find that I'm struggling to tell you what's burning inside.
A glimmer of hope that you'll finally see.
Still I,
Yes I,
I remain can't remain quiet.
quiet.
Somehow, I knew this would happen. Everything was to good to be true. I didn't deserve him, and now I don't have him. Now he doesn't have me to deal with, he can just be with her. Good. Good for him.
I've been having a hard time determining dream from reality lately. I feel like I have really vivd dreams and I sometimes believe that those things actually happened. Doesn't sound so bad right? Well, when you dream about someone you can't have, it sort of sucks. "Every so often we long to steal to the land of what might have been. But that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in." Yes, that's from Wicked. But it's true. For the past couple days i've been having dreams that I honestly feel are real. And on the other side of that, sometimes things happen and I feel like I dreamt them. You know when you are trying to remember a dream and you see everything but it's like there is a cloud around the details and the entire picture is just out of reach? That happens to me sometimes now when I try to recall something that happened only an hour ago. Am I loosing my memory? Am I just living in a daze? Or do I subconsciously wish that my reality was a dream that I can wake up from?
Now, I'm not complaining saying that my life is horrible and I want to kill myself. I know there are people who have it worse than I do. But lately I have been upset. Lately things have not been going the way I wish they had, and now I have all this time to think. And now I don't know how to handle myself. I need to figure myself out. I need to know what makes me happy, what makes me cry, how I deal with things, and where the hell I'm supposed to be in this life.
The things that used to make me happy no longer do, and I feel like crying all the time. (If you are reading this, you know who you are, this isn't about you. Promise.) Anyway, I don't know how to handle my emotions very well and I often let them get bottled up and we all know that is not good for anyone. I need strength, guidance, and most of all, prayer. Please keep me in your prayers. I know I will be out of this funk soon, but until then, I apologize if I am anti-social, or quiet, or just not myself. Thanks to those who are there for me, and thanks to those who keep me in their prayers. I really appreciate it.
Stones taught me to fly. Love taught me to lie. Life taught me to die.
Well it's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball.
When the music fades, and all is stripped away And I simply come.
Longing just to bring something thats of worth. That will bless your heart.
I'll bring You more than a song, for a song in itself Is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within, through the way things appear.
You're looking into my heart.
I'm coming back to the heart of worship.
And it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus.
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
It's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus.
King of endless worth, no one could express how much You deserve.
Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours. Every single breath.
I'll bring You more than a song, for a song in itself is not what You have required.
You search much deeper within, through the way things appear.
You're looking into my heart.
I'm coming back to the heart of worship.
And it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus.
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it.
It's all about You, it's all about You Jesus.
This song is quite possibly one of my favorite songs ever written. Every time I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes. I love it because it really is all about God. I know that I try to make it about me and my personal needs, but it is really all about God. There is no denying it. I remember at church once, I was at worship team rehearsal and we were supposed to sing this song and it was suggested that I sing the first verse as a solo. I started to sing, and as soon as I got to "I'll bring You more than a song, for a song in itself is not what you have required." I broke down. I couldn't even get through the rest of the song. Two days before that Sunday, a person who I thought was a good friend of mine believed some rumors and basically called me out and called me a horrible friend. I was really upset about it the whole weekend. But when I started to sing this song, I realized not once did I ever think of Jesus. Not once did I sit down and give it all to Jesus. I put my personal life and my issues in front of God. And this song made me realize that that should never ever happen. There is nothing God can't do. I also realized that I was focusing all my energy on something that wasn't worth it. I could have been glorifying God in the time that I was crying and being angry at this one person.
Another one of my favorite songs is 'Hungry' and my favorite line out of it is "I'm falling on my knees offering all of me. Jesus you're all this heart is living for." It is such a beautiful chorus and we sang it at church this Sunday. I am a broken person. I mess up, I spend all my time and energy on things that I shouldn't, I don't focus on the important things, and I try to handle everything on my own. That is the big one I need to work on. God can handle my problems better than I can. Yet I still try to do everything on my own This weekend I went through some pretty tough conversations that left me sad and angry and crying my eyes out. I have been sad all day, but I need to stop focusing on the negative, give my problems to God, and start focusing on how I am going to live my life to glorify and honor God.
Well, that is my rant for the day. So I leave you with two pictures that help me remember how awesome He is. And the bible verse that is on my class ring, the one that got me through some of the worst times of my life.
"In nothing by anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. Finally brtheren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever thing are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things." - Philippians 4; 6-8
So, Kat Von D's new frangances are fantastic. Both of them are wonderful. I am so buying at least one of them. And do you know what the best part is? I'm meeting Kat Von D! Hell yeah! Jacquie invited me to go with her to Kat's meet and greet at the Sephora in Hollywood. (Right downstairs from where I met Lea Michele!!!) But I am so stoked. I tried both of the fragrances on and I like 'Sinner' better. But what I can't decide between is these two pictures!
is everything my responsibility? Wait, that's not right. If it's something good, I never had anything to do with it. But if it's trouble, it's my fault. I don't understand. Why is it my job to handle everyone else's shit? Everyone else made an effort to say goodbye to me. Even people I don't really talk to made an effort. So why didn't you? Why is it my job to say goodbye to you? I just moved out of my house, I'm dealing with a whole lot of stuff and it's STILL my job to make sure YOU'RE okay? Really?
8 years later and I still can not believe what happened in America today.
I remember this whole day. I was in 5th grade and I was walking down the hall to the living room because I was ready for school. Mom was on the phone with Dad and all she kept saying was "What? What?" She turned on the news and the horrific picture that took over the screen will always be in my mind. Flames and smoke and people looking up in terror. Was this really New York? My mom's jaw dropped as she watched. I called for Erich so he could see what was going on and we all just sat there in silence. Finally after a few moments I asked what had happened and Mom said "They flew a plane into the World Trade Center." How does that even happen? Next, my mom called her mom to see if the family was okay, the family that lives in New York. She had said Auntie was just fine, but they couldn't find Uncle Mike. He had gone to the city for work and now nobody could get ahold of him. Mom told us that, but said not to worry and sent us to school.
I remember walking onto the playground in a daze sort of. The younger kids had no idea what had happened so they were playing around happy as a clam. But my friends and some of the other 5th graders were just standing around trying to gather what happened. Mr. Rowland had the news on so I went into his room with a few of my friends and some teachers to watch the chaos that was going on. I sat there watching the fire and watching people hanging out of the windows.. I finally had to leave the room. I thought of all the people who are in those towers, their families, the lives that they were loosing. Then I remembered that my uncle was still missing. Who knew where he was? Maybe he was safe at work, or maybe he was stuck in the subway? Or, maybe he happened to be standing where the smoke and ash and debris came flying down... I lost it. I started crying so hard because I had no idea where he was or even if he was alive. The principal came over to me to hug me and say that everything would be alright. I pulled myself together and went to class.
The rest is history.
If I have bad memories from 5th grade on the opposite side of the country, I can only imagine what it was like for the people who were there, who witnessed it, who were directly affected by it. My heart goes out to you. So many people died that day. Children, Firefighters, police men, people who didn't deserve to die but their lives were taken away because we live in a world full of hate. If this day doesn't demonstrate the extreme need for peace in the world, I don't know what does.
Everyone decided to hate President Bush during this tragedy, but I fully supported him. People said he was just an idiot who didn't do anything about it. What the hell is he supposed to do about it? He did what was right. He was respectful and calm and I thank Bush for getting a broken nation through this tough time.
Anyway, my heart goes out to those affected by the tragedy. God Bless you and your family.
Yes, Lea Michele. I know I know, I've already posted a blog about her. But, it's time for another one. 'Why?' you ask? Well, because I met her. Yes, you read that right. I, Rebecca Anne Schroeder, met Lea Michele. It was beautiful. She is beautiful. I can not even believe I actually got to meet her. She is honestly my idol and my inspiration. I can't wrap my mind around it. I was so excited all day to meet her and when it was finally our turn to go into Hot Topic I almost lost it. I remember not being able to see anything because I was behind a bunch of tall people, but all of a sudden, it was like GOD intervened. He parted the red seas of tall people and Heaven shined it's light down onto her. She is so much more beautiful than I would have ever imagined. First, Dianna Agron signed my poster and she was super sweet, then Lea looked at me and said 'Hi there!' and all I could get out was "You're beautiful." She signed my Glee poster, signed my Spring Awakening playbill from March 25, 2008 when I saw her in New York. We were talking about Broadway and Spring Awakening and she said she had just gotten off the phone with Jon Groff and I about lost it. Then we had one more mission, we had to sing. I counted it off and we all started singing 'Happy Birthday' to Lea. Her birthday was the next day and I guess nobody had sang to her because she was so shocked and surprised. She started laughing and when we were done she stood up, and it took me a while to register what she was doing. I realized that she was hugging us. First, she hugged Spencer, then Jonathan, then (God must really have been there) she hugged me! I was so excited. Lea Michele hugged me. And not one of those lame 'I'm Famous' hugs. No. A legit, strong, beautiful hug. I told her I loved her and she is such an inspiration to me. Then I ran outside and started jumping up and down because I couldn't even believe what had just happened. At the Q&A after the signing, we started singing Happy Birthday to her again! Then someone asked who they would love to see make a guest appearance on Glee and they talked about Kristin Chenoweth and Justin Timberlake and we started shouting "Jonathan Groff!!!" and Lea looked at us and said "Well, he might make an appearance, so, keep your fingers crossed!" And I went nuts. I love him. And her. Oh yeah, and Lea said that hopefully they would be making a movie of Spring Awakening! And Lea would be Wendla if it actually happened! That would be fantastic and I would watch it every night.
Ok, Lea Michele Sarfati is seriously one of my favorite people. I have always idolized her, I mean, who wouldn't? But now that I have met her, I know she is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She is a fabulous human being and I am so glad I met her. I have loved her for a very long time, and even though I saw her in Spring Awakening (fifth row, center), i had accepted the fact that I would never meet her. She is beautiful inside and out and I love her so much. I will honestly never ever ever ever ever forget that day. August 28th, 2009.
So, it's official, I am a resident at Cal State Long Beach. It's so weird. For the most part, all of my stuff is put away, I just have to hang up a few more items of clothing. It is so weird actually being out on my own. I slept here last night and it wasn't to weird, only a little. Arielle is really nice. She's a dancer too, so things should work out, once we get past the awkward "I just met you and I'm living with you..." stage. But everything will be fine. I took a shower in the communal bathroom. That was kinda weird, but I was lucky because it was at 1:30 in the morning so there was nobody else in there with me. I still have yet to eat in the dining hall. I'm sort of nervous about that especially because of all of my food allergies. I don't want to be a problem and cause a scene, but I do need to eat something. It's quite the predicament I'm in. But I guess after a few weeks I will get in the swing of things and I will know what's going on. Tomorrow is the first day of classes. Monday and Wednesday I have History 101 from 12:30 to 1:45 and Dance 102 from 2:00 to 3:15. And Tuesday and Thursday I have Music 190 from 9:30 to 10:45, Geography 100 from 11:00 to 12:15, and Dance 115 from 3:30 to 5:10. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I don't have any classes, I really lucked out. I'm actually really nervous about classes. See, in high school, especially in the Business Academy, all I did was make friends with my teachers. And, if I didn't have an assignment done, I would just ask to turn it in later and since they were my friends, the always said 'yes.' But, I have a feeling thats not the way it will work here. And it really worries me that I pre-ordered my books and they didn't give me books for History or Geography. You would think those are the two classes you definitely need books for. I guess not. So yeah, it's all really happening now. It's pretty scary. But I guess I'll get used to it. Until next time!
Lea Michele is best known for her work as Wendla in Spring Awakening and Rachel Berry in the Fox hit TV show Glee. And I'm meeting her! TODAY! OH MY GOD! I love her so much, and I finally get tot meet her. You all have no idea how much I love her. She is Jesus in the female form, as Sara called her. I get to meet her today and I am on the verge of tears right now and I haven't even seen her yet. OMG. RAWR! Ok, it's my last day in Whittier, and what better way to spend it?! But, I leave you with a video that clearly shows why I am obsessed with Lea Michele.
So I have been thinking about a tattoo for a long long time. I want something that is meaningful, obviously, but I am just trying to tie everything in. First of all, I want a cross. Getting a cross makes sense because it is something I will never ever ever regret. Even if I loose everything, I will sill have my faith. I want a cross behind my left ear. Behind my ear because it can be secluded if necessary, and my left side because it's close to my heart. So that is one idea. The other one I want is a flower. I know that sounds cheesy and lame, but it would mean something to me. I don't know if I want it on my wrist or on my side. I can't explain the flower yet, I still have a few things in my life to sort out before I even begin to explain that, let alone seriously think about it. Although I could never get a tattoo this large, these are my favorite flower and cross tattoos. Until next time! God Bless
I'm waiting for my Twin to come over so we can go to Girl's Night. Today was an interesting day. I packed a lot of my clothes and necessities for living on my own. I also said goodbye to my oldest friend. Karin Bryeans leaves for Wagner College in New York tomorrow morning. I met Karin when I was in 7th grade and she is still one of my closest friends. I can't believe she is leaving already. And what is even weirder to think about, is that I would have been leaving this week for New York too. Well, if I actually went to the university that I was planning on attending. I am so happy for her, but it makes me sad to think that that could have been me. I really wanted to go to NY, more than anything I wanted to go. But it didn't work out I guess. I guess I just have to suck it up because I know I am lucky enough to be going to Long Beach. A whole lot of kids didn't get into that school, and my parents are still paying for me, so I shouldn't complain. But i just can't help but be sad about it. Who knows, maybe in two years? I don't know. Anyway, I have three days left in Whittier so I am going to make the best of them. Sara should be here any minute but I leave you with two things.
1. A verse I found on the cover of a journal at Ross:
Her name is Sara Jean Falaro. We just recently became best friends, but she is still my best friend none the less. I think she is a fabulous person, I don't know where I would be right now without her. She can make me laugh when I feel the worst about myself. And believe me, that is all to often. I now understand how it feels to have a best friend. I mean, I have had best friends in the past, but this time it is somehow... different. It all started back in middle school. We did a musical together and in the musical we became best friends, and it is so weird that four years later, it's actually true. I mean, we didn't really talk all that much in the past four years, but just this past summer we did 'Anything Goes' together and got really close. She would text me all the time and make me feel better. She somehow knew what I was thinking and what I was going through. Then after the final performance of 'Anything Goes' we had a sleepover at her house. The rest of the girls and I all opened up and shared our deepest darkest secrets. I said things I had never even had the courage to write down in a diary, once I had really opened up, Sara was right there with me. I had no idea she had gone through everything I went through, and am still going through right now. Every time I need her, all I have to do is text her, and she is there for me, ready to listen, or make me laugh, or do whatever she needs to do to help me. This past week has been a roller coaster ride, but every single day she is there for me. I'm sort of surprised to see she is still here, seeing as how I'm crazy and all. But I am so lucky she is. She is such an amazing person and everyone should get to know her. She is so funny, caring, and understanding. Even today, I was pissed at my parents once again, so she invited me over, at midnight, and we hung out until 3 in the morning just laughing, talking, and taking pictures. All in all, she is a phenomenal human being and I couldn't have a better person for a Bestie, Twin, or Best Friend.
I'm really kind of stoked that i started this blogging trend among my friends :) I told one person I had started a blog, and now everyone's statuses on Facebook is "I started a blog on blogger.com!" It makes me really excited! Anywho. On a more serious note, my wallet was stolen out of my car on Friday evening and California High School. Can I just say that I went to al for 4 years, 2 of those years I drove there, and the summer after I graduate is when my shit gets stolen. Stupid. Anyway, I called the police department just now to file a report because I did have some important things in there such as my license, CSULB ID, debit card, gas card, library card, all that good stuff. Dad wanted a police report so that in case the people who stole it used my gas card, we wouldn't have to pay. But, the nice lady at the Sheriff Department said that it isn't a crime unless they actually used it so I would have to get a statement from the gas company to prove it was used since Friday. So, fun fact of the day: theft is NOT a crime! Who knew? I sure didn't. So, I am definitely mad about that. So now I have to find a way to get gas, because I drive all over the place, I have to get a new LB ID, license, and library card. So I'm off to get a new library card, and to see if the bank will give money to a 17 year old kid with no parents and no identification. Ha. Anyway, till next time!
So, I am definitely knew at this. I have no clue what this is really for, but I just wanted a place to talk about everything I don't have anyone to talk to about. So, lets start with the basics, my name is Rebecca, but you can call me Becca. I'm a freshman at Cal State Long Beach and my biggest goal is to start typing correctly. Like capitalizing the beginning of sentences, the letter I, and also using correct punctuation and spelling. I will be moving into the dorms at CSULB and I am sort of nervous. I know I'm ready to move on with my life, but I can't help but be scared to move into a tiny room with someone I have never met before. I am pretty sure I will do fine living on my own, but I think I have a reasonable amount of fear. I think the fact that my older brother is still living at home will push me to keep going and to make through all of the fear and doubts that I have about moving out and moving on with my life. Honestly, I feel as though I am no longer a child. I know I will still be the crazy, giggly girl I have always been, but after next Saturday, everything will be different.
I'm a 17 year old college Freshman attending CSULB. I love to perform and I truly believe life is a dance and the world is my stage. I'm complicated but easy to get to know. There will always be hard times but just keep on dancing.
