Sometimes

I feel invisible.

I've figured it out.

I am so angry at him for promising not to hurt me, and hurting me anyway. I am so frustrated at myself for being an idiot and believe he wouldn't hurt me and taking down my walls when he asked me to. And I am so sad that I am back where I was a few months ago. Hurt, and broken, and angry. I spent a long time being angry at someone who is a douche bag that will never amount to anything. I'm not about to make that mistake again. But, I mean, I did think that I wouldn't make the mistake of allowing myself to get hurt again, clearly that didn't work out. I had a good thing going, maybe we weren't on the same page. And maybe I fucked it all up by pushing for commitment from him. Truth is, I wanted the commitment from him because I needed to know that he wanted me. I felt threatened by her. And now I know I had reason to think that way. No matter how much he says it isn't the reason, I know it is. Whatever. I'm done crying about it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done thinking about it. I'm on to bigger and better things.

Speaking of bigger and better things. I've finally decided to declare a major. Liberal Studies. That way I can be an elementary school teacher. And I think I'm going to minor in dance. That is, if I get in. Dance majors and minors have to audition at my school, I hope I make it. But if I minor in dance, then I can teach dance at either a school or a studio. So hopefully I made the right decision. In all aspects of my life.

Well that's my rant for today.

"At night I dream about you and hope I don't wake up.

Because waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup."

What's the perfect balance between yelling too much, and not yelling enough, 

So that people don't walk over you?

Is it a crime just to want to be nice?

To avoid confrontation?

Show everyone a little respect?

Time after time,

 I find that I'm struggling to tell you what's burning inside.

A glimmer of hope, that you'll finally see.

Yet I remain quiet.

Look at my face, don't you dare turn away.

Because I'm loosing my patience.

Show me now you're the man that I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I have so much love to give you, just open up your eyes and you'll see.

Time after time,

 I find that I'm struggling to tell you what's burning inside.

A glimmer of hope that you'll finally see.

Yet I remain quiet. 

I can't remain quiet anymore.

No I was not built to idly stand here

Letting you make my decisions based upon your point of view.

You never allowed me my own freedom,

Well here me now.

Show me now you're the man that I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I have so much love to give you

Just open up your eyes and you'll see.

Time after time,

I find that I'm struggling to tell you what's burning inside.

A glimmer of hope that you'll finally see.

Still I,

Yes I,

I remain can't remain quiet.

quiet.

Somehow, I knew this would happen. Everything was to good to be true. I didn't deserve him, and now I don't have him. Now he doesn't have me to deal with, he can just be with her. Good. Good for him. 

Well, It's Not Hard To Fall...

When you float like a cannonball. 

I've been having a hard time determining dream from reality lately. I feel like I have really vivd dreams and I sometimes believe that those things actually happened. Doesn't sound so bad right? Well, when you dream about someone you can't have, it sort of sucks. "Every so often we long to steal to the land of what might have been. But that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in." Yes, that's from Wicked. But it's true. For the past couple days i've been having dreams that I honestly feel are real. And on the other side of that, sometimes things happen and I feel like I dreamt them. You know when you are trying to remember a dream and you see everything but it's like there is a cloud around the details and the entire picture is just out of reach? That happens to me sometimes now when I try to recall something that happened only an hour ago. Am I loosing my memory? Am I just living in a daze? Or do I subconsciously wish that my reality was a dream that I can wake up from?

Now, I'm not complaining saying that my life is horrible and I want to kill myself. I know there are people who have it worse than I do. But lately I have been upset. Lately things have not been going the way I wish they had, and now I have all this time to think. And now I don't know how to handle myself. I need to figure myself out. I need to know what makes me happy, what makes me cry, how I deal with things, and where the hell I'm supposed to be in this life. 

The things that used to make me happy no longer do, and I feel like crying all the time. (If you are reading this, you know who you are, this isn't about you. Promise.) Anyway, I don't know how to handle my emotions very well and I often let them get bottled up and we all know that is not good for anyone. I need strength, guidance, and most of all, prayer. Please keep me in your prayers. I know I will be out of this funk soon, but until then, I apologize if I am anti-social, or quiet, or just not myself. Thanks to those who are there for me, and thanks to those who keep me in their prayers. I really appreciate it.

Stones taught me to fly. Love taught me to lie. Life taught me to die.

Well it's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball.

The Heart Of Worship

When the music fades, and all is stripped away And I simply come.

Longing just to bring something thats of worth. That will bless your heart.

I'll bring You more than a song, for a song in itself Is not what You have required.

You search much deeper within, through the way things appear.

You're looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship.

And it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus.

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it

It's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus.

King of endless worth, no one could express how much You deserve.

Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours. Every single breath.

I'll bring You more than a song, for a song in itself is not what You have required.

You search much deeper within, through the way things appear.

You're looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship.

And it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus.

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it.

It's all about You, it's all about You Jesus.

This song is quite possibly one of my favorite songs ever written. Every time I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes. I love it because it really is all about God. I know that I try to make it about me and my personal needs, but it is really all about God. There is no denying it. I remember at church once, I was at worship team rehearsal and we were supposed to sing this song and it was suggested that I sing the first verse as a solo. I started to sing, and as soon as I got to "I'll bring You more than a song, for a song in itself is not what you have required." I broke down. I couldn't even get through the rest of the song. Two days before that Sunday, a person who I thought was a good friend of mine believed some rumors and basically called me out and called me a horrible friend. I was really upset about it the whole weekend. But when I started to sing this song, I realized not once did I ever think of Jesus. Not once did I sit down and give it all to Jesus. I put my personal life and my issues in front of God. And this song made me realize that that should never ever happen. There is nothing God can't do. I also realized that I was focusing all my energy on something that wasn't worth it. I could have been glorifying God in the time that I was crying and being angry at this one person. 

Another one of my favorite songs is 'Hungry' and my favorite line out of it is "I'm falling on my knees offering all of me. Jesus you're all this heart is living for." It is such a beautiful chorus and we sang it at church this Sunday. I am a broken person. I mess up, I spend all my time and energy on things that I shouldn't, I don't focus on the important things, and I try to handle everything on my own. That is the big one I need to work on. God can handle my problems better than I can. Yet I still try to do everything on my own This weekend I went through some pretty tough conversations that left me sad and angry and crying my eyes out. I have been sad all day, but I need to stop focusing on the negative, give my problems to God, and start focusing on how I am going to live my life to glorify and honor God.

Well, that is my rant for the day. So I leave you with two pictures that help me remember how awesome He is. And the bible verse that is on my class ring, the one that got me through some of the worst times of my life.

"In nothing by anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. Finally brtheren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever thing are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things." - Philippians 4; 6-8